- November 9th, 2006
Remember how I said my last post would be the last one about Lost until February? I lied. Let me vent, and then I'll stop for three months.
WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Tonight's episode was very, very random. I'm just...kind reeling from how everything went by so fast and nothing was built up to, and how a lot of things made absolutely no sense.
Ah, well, I shouldn't complain; after all, it's not like ABC advertised it as the Best Episode Ever. Oh, wait...YES THEY DID.
So, allow me to vent my irritation in scriptfic form:
Lost's Fall Season Finale in 15 Minutes
We begin with a flashback!
Kate: *is in hotel room*
Policeman: *knocks* Open up! It's the police!
Audience: Oh no! She's done for!
Kate: *walks out and makes out with police officer*
Audience: Oh, wait, never mind.
Kate and Policeman: *have hot sex*
Audience: Um, okay.
Pickett: Okay, Kate, time to work.
Kate: What about Sawyer?
Pickett: He has the day off.
Kate: But we're a team!
Pickett: Okay, he can work too.
Jack: *to Ben* I'm going to give you lots of information on how dire your circumstances are.
Ben: Aah! Quick! Remove my tumor!
Jack: Nope! Sorry! HAHA!
Alex: *rushes in with a slingshot*
Pickett: *carries away the crazy teenager*
Alex: Kate! Save your boyfriend, or they'll kill him like they killed my Chachi!
Kate: HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND!
*Kate and Policeman are naked in bed together. It is revealed that it is the night before their wedding. Policeman keeps calling her Monica.*
Kate: I am the most guilty-looking bride-to-be on earth.
Juliet: Kate, if you don't emotionally manipulate Jack, then Sawyer will be killed.
Jack: YAY OMG!
J/K shippers: Aw...
S/K shippers: Eh.
Jack: Kate? Are you okay? Did they hurt you? You aren't having sex with Sawyer, right?
Kate: Jack, you must save Ben! If you do, we'll go free! If you don't, they'll kill Sawyer!
Jack: Kill Sawyer? Is that supposed to dissuade me?
Kate: Jack, please!
Jack: Just because I'm a doctor doesn't mean I can't let them both die! No, bitch!
Policeman's Mom: Here, have this priceless heirloom, soon-to-be daughter-in-law.
Time for the wedding! Vows are exchanged!
Kate: I am the most guilty-looking bride on earth.
Kate: Aiee! Where's Sawyer!
Pickett: Right here.
Pickett: But he's going to die tomorrow morning!
Sawyer: So, how was *your* day, sweetie?
Kate: Sawyer, the reason they're killing you is because Jack won't operate on Ben!
Sawyer: Well, good for Jack.
Kate: ARE YOU INSANE??? *climbs out of cage*
Sawyer: What the hell are you doing?
Kate: Getting you out so we can escape! *opens Sawyer's cage*
Sawyer: Freckles, we *can't* escape. We're on the another island!
Kate: WHAT? When were you gonna tell me???
Kate: Oh. *kisses Sawyer*
Sawyer: What was that for?
Kate: I don't know! *bawls*
Sawyer and Kate: *have hot wild cage jungle sex*
Audience: So...they're not gonna even *try* to run?
S/K shippers: YES! VINDICATION!
*Kate is at a grocery store. She receives a loving phone call from husband about Taco Night. She attempts to be cheerful.*
Kate: I am the most guilty-looking wife on earth. *goes out to pay phone and makes a phone call*
Kate: I want you to stop chasing me!
Marshall: Tell you what: even though you're guilty of first-degree murder, I'll let you off the hook if you finally settle down. But I know you won't.
Audience: She knows the police can trace those things, right?
Sawyer: So, when you said you loved me, did you mean it?
Kate: *avoids answering the question by making out with him*
Sawyer: Yeah, I love you, too.
S/K shippers: Aw...
J/K shippers: Eh.
Intercom: *sounds suspiciously like Alex* Try the door.
Jack: *opens the door, walks out*
*sees Ben's surveillance tapes*
*sees Sawyer and Kate naked and snuggling on one of the TVs*
Ben: *enters* Man, and I thought she'd pick you. *holds up his JATE 4EVA T-shirt*
Jack: I've changed my mind! I'll do the surgery!
Ben: Wow, that's not suspicious at all! Let's do this!
Jack and Juliet: *prepare to do surgery*
Ben: *lies on surgery table, is put under anesthetic*
Pickett: He's out? YES! *dashes off to the cages*
Kate: *takes pregnancy test. It is negative. She cries*
*walks up to hubby bearing drinks* Hey, what's up?
Policeman: I'm tracking a fugitive in Tampa!
Audience: OMG HE MEANS SAWYER! CHARACTER CONNECTIONS MAKE THINGS FUN!
Policeman: And how are you, Monica my love?
Kate: Well, my name's not Monica, I'm a fugitive too, I blew up my father, I almost had a baby, I'm leaving you to go on the lam, and I totally drugged your drink.
Policeman: 0_0 *passes out*
Audience: Maybe she'd have stayed if you gave her a toy airplane.
Pickett: *arrives* *sees (clothed) Sawyer and Kate cuddling in open cage* You two didn't even try to run?
Audience: EXACTLY! WHAT THE FUCK?!
Pickett: *holds a gun to Sawyer's head* Time to die, bitch!
Kate: Nooooo! Fight back, Sawyer!
Audience: As opposed to RUNNING...
Pickett: This is for Colleen! Even if you had absolutely no involvement in her death!
*dramatic music swells*
Audience: Ya know, this kinda loses its dramatic tension when you realize that Josh Holloway's contract doesn't expire for another *three* *years*.
Jack: *cuts open Ben's kidney* Give me the walkie-talkie, or he dies!
Audience: I'm sure Locke sympathizes, Ben.
Pickett: *is forced to give Kate walkie-talkie*
Jack: Kate, I need you to run while I hold Ben hostage!
Kate: No! I can't leave without you!
ABC execs: Remember how we said she'd choose once and for all tonight? We lied.
Jack: Kate, I need you to run, and then radio back and tell me the angel-hair pasta story from all the way in the pilot episode!
Kate: NOOO! JACK, I NEED YOU!
J/K shippers: YES! VINDICATION!
Sawyer: *is pissed because he still has a gun at his head*
THE END! SEE YA IN FEBRUARY, SUCKAS!
Audience: That's IT? MOTHAFUCKAS!